I'm not going to sit here and blame anyone. It was everyone's fault, really. They should have expressed their feelings sooner, and refrained from jumping to conclusions and throwing around accusations so easily. I should have recognized how some of my behaviors were affecting my friends, and held myself back from exploding on them. Really, the whole thing was so immature, it's a shame everything ended with four simple, yet devastating words: Have a nice life.
Again, not gonna play the blame game. But who ends a seven year friendship over text? Just goes to show the maturity level of the person who sent it.
So, yeah, it sucks that I lost two very good friends, but (and this has been happening to me a lot over the last several years, it seems...) this spectacular finale has prompted me to sit back and look at the overall picture of these friendships. It's really eye-opening to have a relationship ended so suddenly. For me, it was like having a light bulb flicked on in my head, and suddenly I'm remembering everything that should have warned me something like this would happen. All the little details have added up to me saying to myself, "Shit, you should have seen this coming, especially from people like them."
Let me elaborate: can't think for herself, bases her self worth on the opinions of other people, always feels sorry for herself, yet the second someone is mad at her, or calls her or someone she loves out on being a douchebag, hackles are raised and everything is my fault, I'm a dumb bitch who has always been a bad friend, why didn't she see it before, bullshit bullshit whine moan bullshit... And then the guy: perpetually douchey, suffering from a terminal case of youngest child syndrome, puts others down to make himself feel better, and then you call him out on jumping to conclusions, and he's blaming you for not being honest in the first place, even though you were. So, basically, a dangerous combination for someone like me: sarcastic, perpetually irritated, fiercely independent, and completely unable to put up with people who can't think for themselves. It was a rather tame reaction I gave them, in my opinion, but some things do more damage than they were meant to. I am truly sorry for hurting them, but, oddly enough, not sorry the friendships are over. It's so liberating to know that my life is better for having known them, and now, for ending friendships going nowhere. Now I'm truly confident in the friendships I have chosen to remain in my life. I know, and have known, and will know, some of the best people in the world. Some will remain my friends forever, but I know the experiences I've had, and will have, with every single person I have known, and will know, will be with me forever and will help to shape the kind of person I am and will be.
I am, honestly, supremely happy. That's how I know Fate was right in this situation. If I was really meant to spend my life friends with these people, I'd be sad and mourning these endings. But really, all that they have done is solidify my commitment to my honest, true friendships. I'm trying to be more honest with myself even as I'm more honest with everyone else. I'm giving my love more freely to those who deserve it. Because at the end of all things, Love is the thing that keeps our souls alive.
"The damage that had been done had never reached this feeling. This feeling was their life, vitality locked deep in blood memory, and the people were strong, and the fifth world endured, and nothing was ever lost as long as the love remained." Leslie Marmon Silko, Ceremony
No comments:
Post a Comment