Stopping on a Dime

It's extraordinary how suddenly one's view on life can change. Just a few words, and BAM! everything is different. Your whole life is put into perspective, and suddenly you're appreciating every little quirk and sigh and irritation.
Tomorrow, or rather, later today, I'm going to the memorial service of the mother of a dear friend. This is what has changed everything for me. On Tuesday at 5:46 pm, I was cleaning my room and blasting my music, as I am apt to do. It was pure chance that I happened to look down at my phone one minute later to see that I'm receiving a call. And then I'm presented with an opportunity: answer or no? This friend I hadn't talked to in a while, so I turn of the music and answer with a jaunty, "Hiya! What's up?" not knowing what's about to happen. Ten minutes later, I'm tearfully trying to call my own mother, wanting her to know how much I love her.
And yet, I still haven't spoken to my other mother. Yes, I have the good fortune of having two mothers: my lovely stepmother, who has been a large part of my upbringing since I was barely two years old, is someone I admire beyond anyone else. But why haven't I called her? I'm struggling with this one. I know I'll call her tomorrow, before I hit the road for the memorial service, and tell her I love her, but why have I waited? I think maybe it's because she's always been the more predictable of my mothers--my biological mother has always had a problem with consistency, while my second mother has never--so I expect she'll always be there, no matter what.
And now, here I am feeling guilty over having two mothers, while 4 sisters are right now struggling with the loss of the one mother they were blessed with, while I was doubly blessed, and maybe even quadruply, since both of mine remain in the realm of the living.
Another thought: what do you say to someone who has lost a mother? I can't even fathom the feeling of losing a parent, and so suddenly at that. Losing my grandfather suddenly was terrible in itself, but I was so young, and I've had years to dull the pain. It's so soon. And these young women are just so...exactly that, young. So many important things to experience with a mother, and now, never the opportunity. I suppose it's all well and good to say the mundane "She's at peace," "She's in a better place," "She'll always be in your heart," but what the hell kind of consolation is that? Bottom line: it fucking hurts. Years from now, they'll be able to look back on the years they had with her, and only a small ache will be there. After a time, smiles will come easier, the thought of her won't bring as many tears to the eye. But right now, all that is felt is pain and sorrow and loss. So all I can do is offer all the love I can give.
What a mess. This has become nothing but a rant from an exhausted mind. I didn't mean for my thoughts to come out like this. But here's my main point: loss of a loved one rocks us to our cores; all we can do is allow ourselves to be loved, and one day things will be better.

"It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things." -Lemony Snicket

Blessings in Disguise

I used to be close to two very lovely people. We shared secrets, books, laughs, tears and some really great memories. It's funny how one overblown event and one silly misunderstanding can combine to create a ridiculous explosion of bad feelings. But really, the outcome all came down to how the people involved handled each other. Several passive aggressive comments, lots of fightin' words, and a ton of f-bombs later, and a friendship is over.
I'm not going to sit here and blame anyone. It was everyone's fault, really. They should have expressed their feelings sooner, and refrained from jumping to conclusions and throwing around accusations so easily. I should have recognized how some of my behaviors were affecting my friends, and held myself back from exploding on them. Really, the whole thing was so immature, it's a shame everything ended with four simple, yet devastating words: Have a nice life.
Again, not gonna play the blame game. But who ends a seven year friendship over text? Just goes to show the maturity level of the person who sent it.
So, yeah, it sucks that I lost two very good friends, but (and this has been happening to me a lot over the last several years, it seems...) this spectacular finale has prompted me to sit back and look at the overall picture of these friendships. It's really eye-opening to have a relationship ended so suddenly. For me, it was like having a light bulb flicked on in my head, and suddenly I'm remembering everything that should have warned me something like this would happen. All the little details have added up to me saying to myself, "Shit, you should have seen this coming, especially from people like them."
Let me elaborate: can't think for herself, bases her self worth on the opinions of other people, always feels sorry for herself, yet the second someone is mad at her, or calls her or someone she loves out on being a douchebag, hackles are raised and everything is my fault, I'm a dumb bitch who has always been a bad friend, why didn't she see it before, bullshit bullshit whine moan bullshit... And then the guy: perpetually douchey, suffering from a terminal case of youngest child syndrome, puts others down to make himself feel better, and then you call him out on jumping to conclusions, and he's blaming you for not being honest in the first place, even though you were. So, basically, a dangerous combination for someone like me: sarcastic, perpetually irritated, fiercely independent, and completely unable to put up with people who can't think for themselves. It was a rather tame reaction I gave them, in my opinion, but some things do more damage than they were meant to. I am truly sorry for hurting them, but, oddly enough, not sorry the friendships are over. It's so liberating to know that my life is better for having known them, and now, for ending friendships going nowhere. Now I'm truly confident in the friendships I have chosen to remain in my life. I know, and have known, and will know, some of the best people in the world. Some will remain my friends forever, but I know the experiences I've had, and will have, with every single person I have known, and will know, will be with me forever and will help to shape the kind of person I am and will be.
I am, honestly, supremely happy. That's how I know Fate was right in this situation. If I was really meant to spend my life friends with these people, I'd be sad and mourning these endings. But really, all that they have done is solidify my commitment to my honest, true friendships. I'm trying to be more honest with myself even as I'm more honest with everyone else. I'm giving my love more freely to those who deserve it. Because at the end of all things, Love is the thing that keeps our souls alive.

"The damage that had been done had never reached this feeling. This feeling was their life, vitality locked deep in blood memory, and the people were strong, and the fifth world endured, and nothing was ever lost as long as the love remained." Leslie Marmon Silko, Ceremony