Stopping on a Dime

It's extraordinary how suddenly one's view on life can change. Just a few words, and BAM! everything is different. Your whole life is put into perspective, and suddenly you're appreciating every little quirk and sigh and irritation.
Tomorrow, or rather, later today, I'm going to the memorial service of the mother of a dear friend. This is what has changed everything for me. On Tuesday at 5:46 pm, I was cleaning my room and blasting my music, as I am apt to do. It was pure chance that I happened to look down at my phone one minute later to see that I'm receiving a call. And then I'm presented with an opportunity: answer or no? This friend I hadn't talked to in a while, so I turn of the music and answer with a jaunty, "Hiya! What's up?" not knowing what's about to happen. Ten minutes later, I'm tearfully trying to call my own mother, wanting her to know how much I love her.
And yet, I still haven't spoken to my other mother. Yes, I have the good fortune of having two mothers: my lovely stepmother, who has been a large part of my upbringing since I was barely two years old, is someone I admire beyond anyone else. But why haven't I called her? I'm struggling with this one. I know I'll call her tomorrow, before I hit the road for the memorial service, and tell her I love her, but why have I waited? I think maybe it's because she's always been the more predictable of my mothers--my biological mother has always had a problem with consistency, while my second mother has never--so I expect she'll always be there, no matter what.
And now, here I am feeling guilty over having two mothers, while 4 sisters are right now struggling with the loss of the one mother they were blessed with, while I was doubly blessed, and maybe even quadruply, since both of mine remain in the realm of the living.
Another thought: what do you say to someone who has lost a mother? I can't even fathom the feeling of losing a parent, and so suddenly at that. Losing my grandfather suddenly was terrible in itself, but I was so young, and I've had years to dull the pain. It's so soon. And these young women are just so...exactly that, young. So many important things to experience with a mother, and now, never the opportunity. I suppose it's all well and good to say the mundane "She's at peace," "She's in a better place," "She'll always be in your heart," but what the hell kind of consolation is that? Bottom line: it fucking hurts. Years from now, they'll be able to look back on the years they had with her, and only a small ache will be there. After a time, smiles will come easier, the thought of her won't bring as many tears to the eye. But right now, all that is felt is pain and sorrow and loss. So all I can do is offer all the love I can give.
What a mess. This has become nothing but a rant from an exhausted mind. I didn't mean for my thoughts to come out like this. But here's my main point: loss of a loved one rocks us to our cores; all we can do is allow ourselves to be loved, and one day things will be better.

"It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things." -Lemony Snicket

Blessings in Disguise

I used to be close to two very lovely people. We shared secrets, books, laughs, tears and some really great memories. It's funny how one overblown event and one silly misunderstanding can combine to create a ridiculous explosion of bad feelings. But really, the outcome all came down to how the people involved handled each other. Several passive aggressive comments, lots of fightin' words, and a ton of f-bombs later, and a friendship is over.
I'm not going to sit here and blame anyone. It was everyone's fault, really. They should have expressed their feelings sooner, and refrained from jumping to conclusions and throwing around accusations so easily. I should have recognized how some of my behaviors were affecting my friends, and held myself back from exploding on them. Really, the whole thing was so immature, it's a shame everything ended with four simple, yet devastating words: Have a nice life.
Again, not gonna play the blame game. But who ends a seven year friendship over text? Just goes to show the maturity level of the person who sent it.
So, yeah, it sucks that I lost two very good friends, but (and this has been happening to me a lot over the last several years, it seems...) this spectacular finale has prompted me to sit back and look at the overall picture of these friendships. It's really eye-opening to have a relationship ended so suddenly. For me, it was like having a light bulb flicked on in my head, and suddenly I'm remembering everything that should have warned me something like this would happen. All the little details have added up to me saying to myself, "Shit, you should have seen this coming, especially from people like them."
Let me elaborate: can't think for herself, bases her self worth on the opinions of other people, always feels sorry for herself, yet the second someone is mad at her, or calls her or someone she loves out on being a douchebag, hackles are raised and everything is my fault, I'm a dumb bitch who has always been a bad friend, why didn't she see it before, bullshit bullshit whine moan bullshit... And then the guy: perpetually douchey, suffering from a terminal case of youngest child syndrome, puts others down to make himself feel better, and then you call him out on jumping to conclusions, and he's blaming you for not being honest in the first place, even though you were. So, basically, a dangerous combination for someone like me: sarcastic, perpetually irritated, fiercely independent, and completely unable to put up with people who can't think for themselves. It was a rather tame reaction I gave them, in my opinion, but some things do more damage than they were meant to. I am truly sorry for hurting them, but, oddly enough, not sorry the friendships are over. It's so liberating to know that my life is better for having known them, and now, for ending friendships going nowhere. Now I'm truly confident in the friendships I have chosen to remain in my life. I know, and have known, and will know, some of the best people in the world. Some will remain my friends forever, but I know the experiences I've had, and will have, with every single person I have known, and will know, will be with me forever and will help to shape the kind of person I am and will be.
I am, honestly, supremely happy. That's how I know Fate was right in this situation. If I was really meant to spend my life friends with these people, I'd be sad and mourning these endings. But really, all that they have done is solidify my commitment to my honest, true friendships. I'm trying to be more honest with myself even as I'm more honest with everyone else. I'm giving my love more freely to those who deserve it. Because at the end of all things, Love is the thing that keeps our souls alive.

"The damage that had been done had never reached this feeling. This feeling was their life, vitality locked deep in blood memory, and the people were strong, and the fifth world endured, and nothing was ever lost as long as the love remained." Leslie Marmon Silko, Ceremony

Bad Choice

So about a week ago, at around 2 in the morning, I was sitting on the couch trying to figure out what to do with  myself. I had just had a lovely time with some old friends and I was trying to prolong the feelings. So instead of going to bed like I should have, I started flipping through the channel guide. Nothing much was on, and I had just about settled on watching "Law & Order: UK" when the name Glenn Beck catches my eye. I've always been very against FOX News and its paid constituents--and by "against" I mean "fiercely detest"--seeing them as illogical, disreputable, and, frankly, absurd. However, I admit, I'd only ever seen quick soundbites of any of their programs. Being the most familiar with Beck's name, and feeling very charitable (read: insane), I turned to that channel.
I instantly realize he's talking about sustainable development. "Perfect!" I thought. "Something I know at least a little bit about! Let's see what he has to say. It can't be that ridiculous." I was wrong. I made it through about 15 minutes before I shut the TV off with a huff of disdain and dragged myself up to bed, all the while mentally slapping myself for letting myself be drawn in with feelings of good will.
Writing this now, I'm getting a little worked up again, but honestly, even after having a week to ponder the show, I still only have a very fuzzy idea of what he was getting at. He mentioned a UN initiative, I think, to increase sustainable development, and quoted several sources as saying that the real power to help fix our planet and the livelihoods of our people is contained at the local level-so it's a basic outline for a grassroots initiative. Pretty logical idea, in my opinion, and I'm sure many people would agree with me. The majority of our planet's people are not in the government, therefore most of the manpower that would have to be behind a global movement for fixing our current climate crisis and and enacting real change of any sort would have to start at the local level--at least, that's what I think. However, according to Glenn, this is just some secret socialist plan to do...something? He never really made that clear, although he did throw around the word "socialist" several more times, and I also heard "communist" quite frequently as well, always linked to some evil left-wing agenda. Apparently when you hear the term "social justice" red flags should also be raised. (Wait, isn't the color red linked to Communism? That's out, then. White maybe? But that signals defeat. Hmmm... How about brown for I'm a douche?) When I think of social justice, I think of helping those in need, basic civil rights, providing for our people, things like that. Dictionary.com defines it as "the distribution of advantages and disadvantages within a society". So essentially, equal rights. I don't really see how this could be considered a crazy radical idea, or create some hellish dystopia where it's OK to eat human flesh and fling baby seals hundreds of feet through the air using catapults (my interpretation, not Glenn Beck's actual concerns...at least I don't think...). And Mr. Beck never really explained why "social justice" is supposed to be a buzz word either... But there you go.
Another thing that really disturbed me was a moment in which he was doing his impression of a local governmental leader and his knowledge of the aforementioned sustainable development initiative. According to Glenn, they'll either have no knowledge of it, or have no idea what the hell is going on and generally act like bumbling idiots. he was so pretentious and rude and all around douchey about it. Not cool. The whole thing was kind of hazy in terms of an argument, and juvenile in terms of delivery and presentation of evidence. Underneath the flippant attitude and those stupid magnets on his weirdo chalkboard, there was no real substance.
Our friend Glenn did leave us (or rather, I left him when he started in on this BS) with one nugget that's worth mentioning here. There is still hope in the midst of all this despair, a light at the end of the tunnel that can't be turned off, even if you can't afford to pay your electricity bill. And what is it, you ask? Well, it's that God has a plan for us, of course!
Do you know how much this like of logic pisses me off? SO VERY MUCH! Because there's no real arguing with it. It's just a fucking cop-out because he can't think of any legitimate solutions to the problems he's fabricated. If you're gonna fake news, at least do it well.
Also, that night, I had weird dreams about a zombie apocalypse and my brother going alligator wrestling with his dad instead of going to my birthday dinner. Coincidence? I think not...

A Beginning

I'm starting this blog on a whim. I have no idea how it will turn out, what I will be writing about every day, but hopefully it will help me express myself and to feel better about things.
I've recently undergone an evolution of sorts in the way that I few the world and my interactions in my world and those in it. It has become my new goal to be honest in everything I do and say. Hence, Honest Abe. I don't mean to judge, or criticize, or hurt anyone, this is just who I've become.
Now all that's left is to see what this endeavor becomes.